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Song of the day (11/22/10)

November 22, 2010

Nothing compares to the sound of a smooth saxophone.

 

 

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Terrorist, lying and light sabers

November 20, 2010

If you’ve ever argued with a member of the female species, then my Minilaptop statistics indicate that there is a 120% chance that you were unanimously defeated in the debate. After living under my mothers roof I’ve realized the two basic principles to remember when arguing with a woman.

1. If you’re right, you’re wrong.

2.If you’re wrong, you’re dead wrong and you probably shouldn’t even utter one single syllable.

Though these two basic principles apply in every male vs female confrontation I have come to my fellow men with a third option. Now this option won’t help you win the argument, in fact, it might not even work at all. But if you’re already arguing with a woman then you’ve already put yourself in a lose lose situation, so this can’t make things any worse, or maybe it well. (Shrugs shoulders)

If you ever find your back against the wall, trading verbal jabs with a female counterpart then your only chance of survival is to abandon all of your human logic and say the most extreme outrageous thing that your peanut sized brain can think of. Now I don’t mean outrageous as in offensive, I mean outrageous as in when she hears the amount of vocal garbage that is spewing from your throat, she won’t even know how to respond to it. The goal is to say something so off the wall, so out of this universe, that she has to literally stop and figure out what in the hell you’re actually talking about.

EXAMPLE:

Sarah is going through Joe’s cell phone and happens to stumble across nude photos of a woman she suspects Joe is secretly fornicating with.

Sarah: Joe, what the hell is this? I knew you were cheating on me, how could you?

Joe: Babe, it’s not what it looks like.

Sarah: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?  WHY ARE THESE PICTURES EVEN ON YOUR PHONE YOU BASTARD? YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR!

Joe: ALRIGHT, YEAH I CHEATED! SO WHAT? IF I HADN’T HAVE CHEATED THE TERRORIST WOULD HAVE WON, YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?!

Now lets stop. Sarah is probably asking herself the following the questions:

1. Is this guy crazy?

2. Who in the hell are the terrorist?

3. What is he even talking about?

In these seconds of mental confusion Joe needs to grab his keys and immediately leave the household. Staying one extra second will allow Sarah to regain composure and continue her verbal assault. While Joe is out on his escape route he should probably be thinking of a more believable lie (Preferably one that doesn’t mention terrorist), had he stayed in the argument and thought while on his feet, his first sentence would have immediately got him caught in a lie, at least now he has bought himself some valuable time.

Now this technique doesn’t necessarily only have to be used in infidelity issues, it can easily transfer over to regular simple petty arguments.

EXAMPLE:

Greg has an important job which causes him to work very long hours. These long hours often cause Greg to return home well after the sun has gone down, which causes Greg and Lisa not to be able to spend as much time together as they would like to. While Greg has never shown any signs of foul play, Lisa always questions his faithfulness out of anger in their arguments.

Lisa: You always come home so late and you never spend anytime with me.

Greg: I’m sorry, but you know have bills to pay, if you don’t work you don’t eat. I promise we’ll go out this weekend.

Lisa: You always say this weekend, how come we only go out once a week?

Greg: Please lets not do this now.

Lisa: Why don’t you get your hours changed? Are you seeing somebody else? WHY CAN’T YOU EVER COME HOME AT A REASONABLE TIME?

Greg: YOU KNOW WHY I NEVER COME HOME AT A REASONABLE TIME? BECAUSE ON THE WAY HOME I ALWAYS GET ROBBED BY DARTH VADER’S IMPERIAL ARMY! YOU EVER HAD TO DODGE A DAMN LIGHT SABER LISA?! HUH? HAVE YOU?

At this point, Lisa doesn’t really know what happened and judging by the fact  that many women hate star wars, I’m willing to bet that for at least the next ten minutes Mr. Greg can enjoy some silence as Lisa attempts to figure out a rebuttal.

So remember, the next time you’re in an argument, be spontaneous and say something stupid. While there is no guarantee that the following technique will work, it will at least make your argument entertaining, it might even buy you enough time to come up with a more feasible lie or comeback.  If you do happen to try this or have tried it, drop a comment and let me know how it turned out, as I’m sure the outcome was nothing short of interesting.

Disclaimer: Minilaptop does not encourage lies or infidelity, but I do encourage a creative mind.

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Nice guys, nerds and confusion

November 17, 2010

Last night turned out to be one of those nights where I had to force youtube to conquer my ongoing battle with boredom. Eventually my youtube searching led me to watch several videos about the never ending debate of why nice guys finish last. Now I won’t get into the nice guy debate, that’s another blog for another day and I just don’t have the energy to even give my input on that subject. But what I will touch on, is what I see as a massive flaw as to what several peoples definition of what a nice guy was.

We need to get this clear people, a nice guy and a pushover ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS, I repeat are NOT SYNONYMOUS. I don’t know who told you that these terms were the same thing but whoever gave you that information should be scissor kicked in the forehead.

Allow me to give you my Minilaptop definitions of these terms and examine them further.

1. Pushover- An individual who is severely lacking in the area known as the backbone. This person exhibits qualities of not being able to defend themselves in verbal confrontations and may even go as far as to switch their view on a certain subjects to align with the opposing party just to avoid the inevitable tension. They may also have a very difficult problem of expressing themselves due to the  fear of the potential backlash that they may receive.

2. Nice guy- A respectful member of the male species. Has the ability to pay attention while in conversation with a female instead of just hearing “blah blah blah.” He is also able to be supportive in situations when needed and can handle confrontations in a reasonable fashion. Usually this person has a mid to high level of intelligence and is a pretty reliable human being. Common traits of a nice guy can be but are not limited to: Respectful, trustworthy and caring. There is also a chance that this individual may be a tad bit shy.

Now, anyone with at least half of a cranium can see that clearly the terms pushover and nice guy should not be used interchangeably. Both terms describe two types of people who couldn’t be more different. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying  that a pushover can’t be a nice guy or vice versa but, generally speaking in my eyes the core characteristics of each term share more differences than similarities.

And while I’m on the subject of terms and their definitions I must ask the world, what exactly is a nerd?

I used to have the tape problem, it was very uncomfortable.

Merriam Webster defines the word nerd as the following:  “An unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits.”

As soon as I read this definition I mentally drew that evil squiggly red line that Microsoft word uses to let you know when you’ve spelled something wrong.  Let me break this definition down so you can see why my four eyes found every thing with this definition to be incorrect.

An unstylish- I don’t think being unstylish has anything to do with being a nerd, it just means you don’t necessarily have the best fashion taste in mind.

unattractive- No explanation needed, it just means you’re facially challenged and by this definition all unattractive people would be nerds which you and I both know is very false.

Socially inept person- A.K.A. you’re just plain awkward, but a nerd? I don’t know, I’m just not seeing it.

one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits- This is the only part of the definition that I can slightly agree with. But at the same time I don’t fault anybody for being extremely smart, hell if I had to pay $1(insert infinite number of zeros.)  a semester for college I would probably be devoted to academic pursuits also. I Don’t think my parents would be proud if they wasted all of their money putting  me through a higher level of learning  just so I could get a -5 in my chemistry class.

So, what do you think world? What are your definitions of the terms that I’ve discussed? Am I some where in the right field with my definitions or am I just crazy? Please leave comments, I’d really love to know what you all think.

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Song of the day (11/5/10)

November 5, 2010
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Couldn’t finish the victory lap

November 2, 2010

If you read my recent blog I outlined what my plans of world domination were. Well folks, sadly to say my plans have been nothing short of a failure so far. I achieved the victory of getting myself a vehicle but the victory was very short lived. After only three days of owning it the ancient hunk of metal decide that it just did not want to start this morning. I inserted the key into the ignition and got not one bit of response from the vehicle, no click, no thud, no anything. In a last ditch effort I got a friend to drive to my house with hopes of using his jump cables to jump start my vehicle. After repeated attempts his cords begin to smoke so that mission was abruptly aborted.

So for now the car just sits in a lonely parking spot in front the house and now I have to return to the life of a foot peddler until this car gets fixed. On a side note my job has given me so few hours that I might as well just be unemployed, so much for saving money for school, or getting a new laptop for that matter.  I’m hoping by the end of the week this car issue will get resolved and things will slowly start to re shape and get back on track.  Until then I’ll fake a smile everyday until things really start to get better.

And here’s a family guy clip just for reading this blog.

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Song of the day (10/29/10)

October 29, 2010

An epic song and music video in my opinion.

 

Bonus song of the day

I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!

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Plans of an evil genius

October 26, 2010

With my potential I feel at the ever so young age of 21 that I should have conquered the world by now. You see I’m very much like my Dallas Cowboys in a way. I have all of the tools needed to compete with the best of them, on paper my attributes give the impression that I’m the cream of the crop. But with somewhat of what could be described as lackluster disciplined habits and execution, I don’t always perform to the best of my abilities.

I believe that the main cause of my own downfall is not being goal oriented enough, somewhere between my teenage and adult years I’ve seemed to have  lost some of the drive and passion that I once possessed. That drive gave me the energy to write and create innovative concepts every day. That passion made me believe that one day I could actually rule the world and every single organism on and near the planet earth would know who Minilaptop was.

Now equipped with a new mindset, I’ve realized the four goals that I need complete before I’m able to obtain world domination.

1. Get a vehicle suitable for world conquering

After being undisputed king of the bus stop for years I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s difficult to rule the world while riding public transportation and depending on others for rides. Technically I have already completed this goal, as I have a car, but it has yet to be delivered to my house yet. Currently according to my pops, it is being inspected and if it just so happens to pass inspection, I”ll be able to be another one of Maryland’s horrible drivers who enjoys terrorizing the roads.

It's not about the looks, it's about the driver

That good ole Geo Prizm is my world domination car, yes I am well aware that this car is what we would call a bucket. But it will be my special bucket and together we will accomplish some beautiful things.

2. Get some abs

Ever since I was introduced to Raviolli and Ramen noodles (aka oodles and noodles) as a kid I’ve always kept some extra flab around the belly area. I figured if I’m going to be on top of the world then I might as well look good doing it. It’s not that I think I’m ugly, but my physique definitely has room for improvement. While I’ve made some significant strides in losing weight within the last few years it seems now I keep repeating this pattern of losing weight and then gaining it back again, due to some inconsistent workout practices.

After some long term planning I’ve given myself two options on how I’m going to obtain abs of steel:

1. Minilaptop’s school of Jiu Jitsu- As a life long fan of combat sports I’ve always admired the level of physical shape you have to be in to compete in such sports such as Boxing, Kick boxing and MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)

Jon Jones is a bad man

After Observing the underworld known as my basement, I know for a fact that if my mom can finally clean out the trillions of bags full of miscellaneous papers that lie on the floor taking up valuable space that I would have enough room to turn that waste haven into a home gym. Once I fill it with my desired workout equipment I shall call it Minilaptop’s School Of Jiu Jitsu.

Now in this gym you won’t really learn Jiu Jitsu, or any other fighting style for that matter. The gym will only serve as a way to get you into good enough physical shape so that you look as if you know some type of fighting style. It’s kind of like wearing superhero costume for Halloween. You’ll look like superman, but you won’t really be able to fly any where or do anything really special.

2. Get a gym membership: Financially this option would save me tons of money as Minilaptop’s School Of Jiu Jitsu would drain my wallet after buying all of the required equipment. I found a gym that has a wonderful cheap fee of ten dollars per month (All gyms should be like this). While it’s not the best gym in the world and probably wouldn’t be as fun as my Jiu Jitsu school, it still has all of the basic equipment needed to increase my cardio and get me going in the right direction.

3. Get a new laptop

Ever since I accidentally murdered my Minilaptop some months ago by spilling milk on it I’ve been forced to use this inferior dell home computer. My laptop was the main device where all of my evil genius ideas came to life. I would sit in the privacy of my room and write screenplays, poems and all types of other random concepts that popped inside my head. The screenplay was my main focus, right before I killed my laptop I wrote about 64 pages of greatness but now that creation just sits hopelessly inside my external hard drive collecting dust. Now I know you’re probably thinking that I should just write everything on my home computer, while in theory that sounds reasonable, once I actually try it, it just doesn’t work out. Writing in my own room and writing in my living room are two different ball games. While in my room I don’t have to dodge my two little brothers and their hot wheels cars while I attempt to hear myself think as I write.  So once black Friday sales start to kick in I plan on buying one of those HP beats laptops which have the perfect audio quality that will give me repeated eargasms as I write. Sadly,  if I get that laptop I won’t technically be Mr. Minilaptop anymore, but in honor of my Minilaptop I will never drop the moniker.

It's destiny, you shall be mine

4. Get back in school

Can’t establish or run a kingdom if you only have half of a brain right?

I got a seasonal job this summer (And they haven’t been giving good hours lately :() with the soul purpose of saving up enough funds so I can attend a recording institute starting in 2011. Aside from writing, my other passion is music and I have high hopes to sharpen my skills and hopefully become an audio engineer one day. So I’ll get to be the guy who makes all of the vocals sound sexy and add all of the extra effects needed so that every song you hear gives your ear some audio satisfaction. Later in the road of life  I also plan on releasing some instrumental CD’s, but for now I won’t get too ahead of myself, Can’t walk without crawling first.

So there you have it, once all of these goals comes to pass the world shall be mine. I recommend that you also write down your goals, as it will give you something to strive for every day. Just don’t let your ultimate goal be world domination, or you may have to cross paths with the almighty Minilaptop and that could be bad for you. *Insert evil genius laugh*