Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

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Couldn’t finish the victory lap

November 2, 2010

If you read my recent blog I outlined what my plans of world domination were. Well folks, sadly to say my plans have been nothing short of a failure so far. I achieved the victory of getting myself a vehicle but the victory was very short lived. After only three days of owning it the ancient hunk of metal decide that it just did not want to start this morning. I inserted the key into the ignition and got not one bit of response from the vehicle, no click, no thud, no anything. In a last ditch effort I got a friend to drive to my house with hopes of using his jump cables to jump start my vehicle. After repeated attempts his cords begin to smoke so that mission was abruptly aborted.

So for now the car just sits in a lonely parking spot in front the house and now I have to return to the life of a foot peddler until this car gets fixed. On a side note my job has given me so few hours that I might as well just be unemployed, so much for saving money for school, or getting a new laptop for that matter.  I’m hoping by the end of the week this car issue will get resolved and things will slowly start to re shape and get back on track.  Until then I’ll fake a smile everyday until things really start to get better.

And here’s a family guy clip just for reading this blog.

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Minilaptop’s alternate movie endings

October 18, 2010

We’ve all done it before. You’re sitting down with that family sized bag of cool ranch doritos while watching a movie of your choice, then you begin to think.

“Man if that was me that never would have happened, these movie people are so stupid.”

Well my friends I also participate in this activity, while I don’t necessarily label the characters in the movie as “stupid” (With the exception of people in horror movies), I can’t help but imagine that if I was in some of my favorite movies, the story lines and endings would probably have to be somewhat altered. So I’ve gone through the trouble of compiling a list of three movies that may have went a little different if I had been one of the main stars.

Disclaimer: It’s been awhile since I’ve seen any of the movies that I’ve listed, so forgive me if my summaries are a bit off.

1. The Matrix

"You think that's air you're breathing?"- Morpheous

Hollywood Version: Basically the main character Neo, is a computer programmer by day and computer hacker by night. He has many questions about the world that he lives in, but he doesn’t have many clues as to where to start to get his answers. Then out of the blue he is contacted by Trinity, who then introduces him to Morpheous, the man who brings Neo closer to the truth by exposing him to how his world is really controlled by cyber intelligence and is filled with those dreadful agents. In the end Neo realizes that he is “the one” and takes down all the agents and the for now the world is safe, blah blah blah the hero wins.

Minilaptop’s alternate version:  My knowledge of computers is pretty much non existent so there is no possible way that I could be a computer programmer, yet alone a hacker. So I imagine Trinity would probably have gotten in contact with me by sending me a friend request on facebook. Upon seeing that her and I have no mutual friends, I would at first have been skeptical, but based alone on that fact that she is a female I would have accepted her. Upon accepting her she would then post strange message on my wall about following that retarded white rabbit, which would probably cause many arguments because I’m not a huge fan of most things that have more than two legs. Eventually in some strange way I would realize that the white rabbit that I was to follow wouldn’t physically be an animal, but just a mere tattoo that looks like it came from a cereal box.

Later on I would be introduced to the man of the hour, Morpheous. This is the moment of truth, the moment when Morpheous offers me the red pill or the blue pill.

The red pill takes me deep into the depths of the matrix and the blue pill lets me go back to my regularly scheduled life. Under mental peer pressure and curiousness, I would swallow the red pill that almost resembles a jelly bean. But after being exposed to murderous agents, random shoot outs and a war that i’m not mentally prepared for, I would try frantically to explain to Morpheous that he should definitely hand over that blue pill and let me return to my normal world of facebook and family guy. During our conversation the infamous Agent Smith would probably appear and on this note the film would be near its closing. Agent Smith would probably dish out the most epic beat down that I’ve ever received in my 21 years of living and after a wave of deadly punches and kicks I would be forced to wave the white flag in defeat. After my death the agents would eventually rule the world and I would be remembered as the guy who miserably failed in the war against the agents. So much for the hero ending, life can’t always be sweet.

2. Child’s Play

Hollywood Version: So this psycho killer dude who probably didn’t get enough hugs as a child ends up getting shot in a toy warehouse of all places. Right before he officially kicks the bucket he recites some evil chant that reincarnates his soul and he ends up possessing one of the toys in the warehouse. This toy is a doll who is known as Chucky. Later on, a mother ironically purchases this doll for her son as a birthday present and as you can imagine, killer doll+innocent child=lots of crazy things happening. Chucky’s ultimate goal is to transfer his soul back into a human and that human just happens to be the little child named Andy.

Minilaptop’s alternate version: Now even though young Andy did ask for the doll for his birthday, I for one would be highly offended if my mom bought me a doll instead of a new G.I. Joe action figure when I was a toddler, so Chucky would most likely find himself buried at the bottom of my toy box. Upon exiting my toy box I can imagine Chucky would be a little pissed at me for not at least having the courtesy to place him at the top of the pile. I then would have to inform him that he is not as nearly as important as my Hot wheels cars, my super hero action figures or my Ronin Warriors collection and I would hope that he wouldn’t take it personal.

As I can imagine I would start to grow suspicious of Chucky, as ever since he arrived, numerous people have been attacked and/or killed. Our friendship would probably quickly sour because if my mom finds out i’m out doing evil deeds with a killer doll she surely won’t let me wake up early Saturday morning to watch my favorite cartoons anymore (Doug, Rugrats, Beast Wars) and that is unacceptable. No longer trusting me, Chucky would probably make some attempts to take my life and this is where I show Chucky that he’s not the only evil little thing that can terrorize people. As a kid I had quite the temper, so killer doll or not, Chucky would have to prepare for war, a war that would be nearly impossible for him to win. Chucky may have the soul of satan, but he is no superman. He can’t fly, he doesn’t have super strength or speed, he’s barely two feet doll and lets not forget that he is a DOLL! You know what my plastic sword and shield could do to a DOLL? It would be absolute slaughter. So Chucky has the sharpest knife in the kitchen, and? At age 5 I studied Link from Zelda endlessly, I know every sword move that ever existed. Chucky and I would engage in a five round blade fighting/plastic sword contest that ends with Chucky being nearly crippled after repeated hits to the limbs and forehead.  As the credits roll we’ll see Chucky walking off into the darkness, defeated and looking for another family to terrorize. As for me, I’ll be having a nice conversation with my mom about why she shouldn’t buy me anymore dolls for my birthday.

3. Final Destination

Hollywood version: Student Alex Browning and his classmates are bound for a trip to Paris. Just minutes before the plane is set to take off Alex has a vivid premonition of the plane exploding. Very much frightened, Alex begins to panic and causes quite a scene which ends up getting Alex, along with several of his classmates kicked off of the plane. Upon returning to the airport terminal, Alex and his classmates watch as flight 180 explodes into the sky.

THE SHOCKING FOOTAGE

But this isn’t the end of the commotion, after the explosion Alex’s friends mysteriously start to die one by one and they must find a way to cheat death in order to survive.

Minilaptop’s alternate version: So i’m sitting on a plane and all of a sudden I have vision of my plane going up in hellfire. Like Alex, I instantly flee from that plane, probably running with Usain Bolt like speed back to the parking lot with hopes that my friends would follow behind. After witnessing the plane explode I would return home and probably stay in solitary confinement for a few hours and shortly after wards I would receive the first phone call of one of my friends mysterious deaths.

Knowing the group of misfits that I associate with, I can imagine our deaths wouldn’t be as bloody as much as they would be creative. One of us would probably die from electric shock, after spilling a soda bottle all over studio recording equipment. A trip to the food court in the mall would turn deadly as one of us would abruptly choke on a chicken tender and roll over to an unsuspected death. After two deaths I would officially label my friends as jinx’s and slowly but surely I’d ease away from hanging around them. One of the themes of this movie is trying to cheat death but me being the logical person that I am, So I would come to the inevitable conclusion that this can’t be done. You can cheat on your spouse, you can cheat on your taxes, you can cheat in video games, but as far as death, when it’s your time to go you might as well get ready to fly with the angels. I would be trapped in quite a paranoid lifestyle as my friends drop off one by one. As the end draws near I would be the last surviving person who would probably die in a way I wasn’t prepared for. While I would be on the look out for all sharp objects and things that could possibly fall on top of my head, my death would come at one of my favorite things in the world, cereal.

It gets no better

Upon anxiously opening a box of cinnamon toast crunch I would rip open the bag a bit too hard, sending flying pieces of cinnamon squares everywhere. A large cluster of cinnamon squares would probably awkwardly land in the food disposable at the bottom of the sink. The next time I go to turn on the disposal it would begin to malfunction and as I reach to cut it off, a left over piece of silverware that I accidentally left in the disposal would do a full flip into the air and stab me right in the middle of my forehead. The piercing pain would send me falling back, crashing into the kitchen table, knocking the box of cereal to the kitchen floor. There I would lay dead, Surrounded by blood and a pattern of Cinnamon toast crunch that ironically outlines my body.

After making this list I’ll make sure the last thing I become is an actor, I seem to picture myself dying a little too much. Feel free to add your own alternate endings to any movies that you feel would be different if you starred in them.

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I haven’t forgotten about you

October 4, 2010

Dear reader,

I know it’s been quite some time since I’ve actually posted one of my halfway interesting blogs. Truth be told I’ve just been mentally and physically drained lately and can’t quite come up with the energy to write anything. I just recently got a seasonal job at this warehouse so my days start at 4 AM, I’m out the door at about 5:15 and then I walk 35 minutes to work. After wards I lift boxes for 8 hours and then I walk back home dragging my aching angry feet along for the trip.  By the time I get home as you can imagine I feel pretty beat and usually end up bonding with my pillow for an extended period of time.  One of these days I promise to write something again but until then I shall sleep, eat, work, watch football and family guy until I get my mojo back.  Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope all is well with you and yours.

Sincerely,

Minilaptop

P.S.

The new season of Family guy is already giving me classic material.

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Minilaptop’s fall/winter survival kit

September 24, 2010

Well, it’s about that time of year again folks. Fall season is among us and winter is lurking it’s head right around the corner. Usually most of us gaze at the beauty of the ever so color changing leaves as the fall season begins to take form. But for me, these color changing leaves are a warning, they let me know that I need to gear up for the 2nd worst season of the year. (Winter being 1st.) Pretty soon me and my immune system are going to have to go to war with coughs, soar throats, headaches and colds. During the last fall season I fought the weather and  caught bronchitis (Needless to say I lost that fight.), which is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I couldn’t even breathe without chewing on cough drops every five seconds and I constantly coughed up spit large chunks of mucus  like it was out of style. Needless to say that whole fall/winter season was pretty awful, especially considering Maryland’s record snow fall numbers last year, which led  me to go to war with snow, equipped with only a very dingy kiddy toy looking shovel. But this year I plan to win my fight against these evil seasons and for this blog I shall share the arsenal of things that you and I can use to survive.

1. Coat/Jacket/Hoodie

Picture via google images

Make sure you find the perfect coat or jacket to wear this season because it’s going to be a cold one. Usually I’m not really the jacket kind of person, So I just wear a long sleeve shirt under two other T-shirts which all goes under a nice huge warm hoodie. But no matter what you wear, make sure it’s something big enough to hide in and please make sure it’s made of quality material. If you come at mother nature with some half crap second grade clothing material she will hit you full force with all kinds of sickness’s that you won’t even be able to respond to.

2. Beanies/Hats

Image via amazon.com (Go Longhorns)

Every good overcoat or hoodie needs to be complimented with a great beanie to match. If you choose to wear a beanie it would be wise for it to be big enough to at least cover your ears. Being that my ears are abnormally small, they tend to freeze quickly when the temperatures start to dip so I need something to protect my little hearing devices.

Side note: If your head gear does not protect your ears you can always get headphones to do the job, I’m always listening to music so this works for me even with the addition of my beanie.

3. Long socks

Picture via google images (Football socks are really warm)

Now for me this is optional because I have beastly hairy legs so honestly my legs are usually the last thing that gets cold on my body. But for those who do not have my grizzly like attributes, you should definitely invest in some nice comfy long socks to keep those legs and feet comfortable for the cold seasons.

4. Facial hair

Image via thebeardly.blogspot.com

Now ladies if you can relate to this suggestion you may want to get yourself checked out. But for my fellow male counterparts if you have facial hair, by all means let it grow. Aside from the hair on my chin I despise the rest of the forest that grows on my face and usually I try my best to keep it under control. But toward the middle of the fall season I tend to let my facial amazon run wild and expand as it pleases.You’d be surprised at the difference a beard can make during cold weather. I once made the mistake of shaving all of my facial hair off during the heart of the winter, the result left my face extremely naked and the shivering winds put a beating on my cheeks that made me instantly miss my once furry face guardian.

5. Afro/Lots of hair

Vintage Minilaptop

If you’re going to  follow the advice of the facial hair then you should probably tag team that with growing your hair out a bit. This is me about a year or two ago, as you can see my afro was in full effect. Majority of the time I keep a low clean haircut but it’s a really weird feeling when your head starts to freeze. So I combat the cold weather with lots of hair, I would advise you to do the same. My only problem with the afro is that every time I wear any type of hat it mushes my hair down, so for the most part I keep the hat on and use my hair as a second line of defense.

6. Cough drops/Medicine

Image via overstockdrugstore.com

If you’re like me the fall and winter season almost triples the rate at which you are struck by illness. As I mentioned earlier last fall I caught bronchitis and cough drops pretty much saved my life until I was given the proper medication to cure me. But as well as cough drops you should stock up on medicines that relieve fevers, allergies, soar throats, congestion & stuffy noses. You never know what type of sickness the weather may hit you with so you have to be prepared for anything.

7. A quality shovel

Image via samsclub.com

Before this winter I shall take it upon myself to make sure my family has a shovel that is actually built to fight against intense snow storms. This Toys R Us looking shovel that I have now just isn’t getting the job done. It’s doubling the time it should take to shovel a parking spot and it puts extra pain on my back as I try to lift up piles of snowy residue. So do yourself a favor and have  a quality shovel at your disposal so you can make your life just a tad bit easier.

8. Trusty laptop

The minilaptop that I unfortunately broke (RIP)

On those days when the weather gets extreme and winter cancellations light up your news stations, it is crucial that you keep a laptop somewhere nearby. Watching random youtube videos and writing usually helps me enjoy my day when mother nature is outside having her wintery period. If the winter takes away your inspiration to write then you could always read my blog during those depressing days. If my life plans go according to the way I envision them going,  I should be back in college by January,  so I’m sure that I will have plenty of things to run my mouth about that you may find entertaining. (Yes I’m aware I just gave myself some shameless self promotion.)

9. Movies

Image via wikipedia

Sadly, I have no significant other to cuddle with as I watch movies all day while bundled up under bed sheets but I definitely plan on having myself a nice action packed film marathon during the winter days when there isn’t much else to do. So grab yourself an interesting flick, get some hot chocolate or your beverage of choice and enjoy some nice family films or whatever type of movies that you enjoy watching.

10. Video games

Image via ign.com (Can't wait until this comes out)

If you’re a gamer then the winter is the perfect time for you to bond with your Playstation 3/Xbox 360/Wii or whatever game console that your little heart desires to play. Call Of Duty Black Ops will probably be taking up much of my time during the winter, If I’m back in school by then I’ll have to find a way to balance throwing grenades and studying textbooks.

11. Treadmill

Image via google.com

One of the worst things about the fall and winter seasons is that it puts many of us in hibernation mode. As I’m sure you know during hibernation you remain pretty inactive unless you’re grabbing some type of edible substance to stuff your face with. Also during this period it is very common for you to put on a few undesired pounds. Luckily I have a seasonal warehouse job and I plan on saving up to buy myself a quality treadmill so I can drop the weight that I’ve already gained back since college ended as well as keep myself at a manageable weight during my hibernation period.

12. Snacks/Food

Image via amazon.com

Now I know this post completely contradicts the previous one but it is of the utmost importance that you FILL your humble abode with snacks. Last year our snowstorms were so bad that the roads were completely covered and walking/driving outside was dangerous to say the least. So before any major storms hit your area load up on your Doritos, hamburgers, cereal, fruits and every other kinds of grub that you can get your hands on. You never know when a vicious storm could hit, so you have to be able to feed yourself during the times you aren’t able to travel about outside. Just don’t forget about the treadmill or whatever exercise equipment you have while you’re filling up your belly.

I know you might be thinking it’s a little early to plan out all of this, seeing as the fall season has barely even started and winter is still months away. But it’s never to early to get ready for the inevitable, I’d rather get prepared now instead of waiting until my nose is filled with mucus and my front step has 13 inches of white powder stacked on top of it.  Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and I hope that you remember it as you prepare to survive these next couple of months. Feel free to add anything that you think is crucial to survive during the stretch of the fall and winter seasons.

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Minilaptop facts of life

September 22, 2010

I’ve compiled a list of simple, but crucial facts of life that I have realized in my 21 years of living.

1. Everyone needs their own personal 80’s rock montage song.

2. Contrary to what you’ve been told, there are such things as stupid questions.

3. The first person to ever milk a cow was either very curious or a serious pervert. (But either way I appreciate their discovery.)

4. You know the answers to most of your life’s problems, it’s just a matter of you finding/accepting the truth and getting over the obstacle.

5. If you’ve been placed in the friend zone there is a 99.9% chance that you will never escape from it.

6. Mario is greatest video game character ever made in the history of life.

7. Aliens do exist, and we all at least know one.

8. Money doesn’t change you, it only brings out who you really are.

9. Chuck Norris could have easily fixed the BP oil spill.

10. Smacking a man is more demoralizing than punching him.

11. The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

12. Intelligence is the sexiest trait a woman could ever have.

13. There are four things that can unify large groups of people, regardless of political/religion/moral beliefs: Music, food, sports & tragedy.

14. Laughter really is good medicine for the soul.

15. If you are over six feet tall, then you are doing me and my fellow vertically challenged people a disservice.

16. Aquaman is the worst super hero ever created.

17. In five years the majority of major label record companies will be extinct.

18. We all like to feel appreciated.

19. I will have abs one day.

20. It’s past 3 o clock in the morning and I should really be getting some shut eye.

21. If you read this blog then you’re pretty awesome.

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A Birthday blog celebration

September 11, 2010

So I heard from my midget cousin’s co-worker’s mother in law’s sister that today was a very special day for a blogger named Susi spice. Ms. Spice is a pretty special person, she was one of the first people to ever comment on one of my blogs so for that I give her 100,000 cool points and a blog dedicated to her. Apparently Ms. Spice thinks she’s getting old, well Ms. Spice, what you call I call getting sexier. It is a well known fact that has been proven by my Minilaptop statistics that MILF’s are the most attractive beings on the planet and are clearly the wave of the future. But i’m going to stop blabbing off at my mouth, as i’m sure you have some more exciting birthday activities to engage in instead of reading this. So in honor of your bday, here is an imaginary E-cake that I have made for you.

I was hungry so I grabbed a slice, sorry.

So from me to you, I hope you have a happy birthday.

And as a bonus prize, here is the playlist that you asked for.

Finally, a family guy sexy party is mandatory for your birthday.

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A blog about nothing

September 8, 2010

So I was right in the middle of writing my next blog and then I got an offer to head up to my schools studio. Now I love writing, but music and the atmosphere of a studio puts me in a great mood, so for now my blog is being held hostage in my brain cells until I come back home. Hopefully by the time I return from this studio session I will have enough energy and focus to write something that is half way entertaining. So until then, be easy, have fun, eat food, or whatever it is blogging folk do to pass time (Aside from blogging of course). Deuces world, I shall return.

Up up and away I go.