A Wu Tang Story

November 9, 2012

Awhile back a friend of mine challenged me to write a story that contained three elements.

The iconic hip hop group the Wu Tang Clan




And a hot air balloon


Being as I was bored with nothing to do, I completed the task, and once I finished I thoroughly enjoyed how it turned out. So I’ve decided that I’m going to try to make my challenges a weekly series. If you’d like to in the comments below, list three things, they can be closely related to each other or not related at all and if I enjoy your ideas I will attempt to incorporate them into a short story. They can be people, objects, anything you can think of. Just keep in mind that I won’t be posting the stories until next week, I have to balance this with work, other projects that I’m working and it takes me awhile to come up with solid concepts.

And as for the Wu Tang Story I mentioned, of course I’m not gonna just mention it without posting it,enjoy.

Sidenote: I didn’t include every member of the Wu Tang Clan in the story, the group is too large and I was too lazy to attempt to fit them all in.

The mission was simple was and straight forward, walk into the monkey clan headquarters, decapitate anything in the fortress that wasn’t human and retrieve the golden stone that would bring Ol Dirty Bastard back to life. Though the task seemed simple, it must be mentioned that the monkey clan has never been defeated, their tyrannical reign of terror has brought upon death to all of those who have dared oppose them. But If there was one positive to be mentioned in all of this, it would be that the Wu Tang Clan has also never been defeated in battle, the motto which is boldly printed on the back of each member states that “Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin To Fuck With”. This statement, as many have found out by firsthand experience is very true, for the members of the Wu Tang Clan have maliciously slaughtered those who felt they were brave enough to prove the moniker wrong, thus proving that they are indeed nothing to fuck with. RZA, the black sage samurai, Method Man, the executioner, Inspectah Deck, the assassin and Raekwon, the butcher, collectively form the super unit known as the Wu Tang Clan.

The Clan never practiced finesse or thoroughly planned out their missions and this time would be no different. The method, which stayed consistent and effective throughout the years was to simply show up and wreck shop until no one was left breathing. They approached the fortress entrance, immediately bashing the door to the ground. Upon entering the golden stone could instantly be seen, it sat high upon a statue in the back of the room, emitting a heavenly glow. The only thing that stood between the clan and the stone, was space and an opportunity to kill every monkey in the room.

“The Wu Tang, how dare you enter this fortress!” shouted the angry primate leader of the monkey clan. “You know what we came here for, hand over the stone or I’ll have your head,” calmly replied RZA, who grips the handle of his sword. Not willing to wait for a reply Method Man jumped into action. In boomerang like fashion he releases his short sword in the air, it returned to him with the stained blood of six headless monkey’s that now lie motionless on the floor. “We told you in 93 to protect ya neck muthafucka!” exclaimed a confident Method Man. Another wave of monkeys drop from the ceiling leaving the clan surrounded. With no way to go but directly through the enemy, each clan member goes head first into battle. RZA parries incoming attacks and delivers fatal counter incisions with his katana blade. Raekwon rushes through the crowd, butchering enemies in all directions with his two machetes. With a fetish for removing limbs and heads Method Man and his short sword send numerous body parts soaring through the air. The quick and nimble Inspectah deck continuously flips through the air while throwing ninja stars into the heads of oncoming monkeys. Inspectah continues his acrobatic antics until he reaches the back of the room, he then launches himself off of a monkey’s head as he soars to the top of the statue where the golden stone is placed. Quickly he rushes to the stone, “Welcome back ol dirty,” says Inspectah as he throws the stone to the ceiling. The golden stones glow begins to intensify, it then explodes releasing a cloud of golden smoke.

“Oh it’s on now niggas!” Yells Ol Dirty Bastard as he emerges from the smoke, holding a gold bladed staff.  The monkey clan leader stares frozen in shock as Ol Dirty descends upon him, the golden blade vertically rips through the monkey clan leader’s body, cutting him in directly in half. OL Dirty’s staff begins to glow as he now spins around in circles, after reaching his peak speed Ol Dirty swings the staff which releases a massive tornado projectile that wipes out nearly every monkey clan member in the room. Though victory seemed promising, the moment was short lived as 3 more waves of monkey clan soldiers emerged. “They just don’t stop, we gotta get outta this muthafucka,” exclaimed Raekwon as he slowly backed toward the door. “Wu Tang retreat,” commanded RZA as all of the members dashed out of the entrance with the Monkey clan following closely behind. “How the hell are we getting out of here?” asked a confused Method Man. Off in the distance was a tied down air balloon at the edge of the cliff. Thinking ahead, Inspectah Deck throws his ninjas stars, cutting the ropes which held down the air balloon. The Wu Tang members begin to pick up speed as the air balloon begins to lift off. The tall longed limbed Method Man is the first to jump onto the balloon with the rest of the clan following after. “Deuces you banana eating bastards,” laughed Method Man as the clan soared off into the sky.


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