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Terrorist, lying and light sabers

November 20, 2010

If you’ve ever argued with a member of the female species, then my Minilaptop statistics indicate that there is a 120% chance that you were unanimously defeated in the debate. After living under my mothers roof I’ve realized the two basic principles to remember when arguing with a woman.

1. If you’re right, you’re wrong.

2.If you’re wrong, you’re dead wrong and you probably shouldn’t even utter one single syllable.

Though these two basic principles apply in every male vs female confrontation I have come to my fellow men with a third option. Now this option won’t help you win the argument, in fact, it might not even work at all. But if you’re already arguing with a woman then you’ve already put yourself in a lose lose situation, so this can’t make things any worse, or maybe it well. (Shrugs shoulders)

If you ever find your back against the wall, trading verbal jabs with a female counterpart then your only chance of survival is to abandon all of your human logic and say the most extreme outrageous thing that your peanut sized brain can think of. Now I don’t mean outrageous as in offensive, I mean outrageous as in when she hears the amount of vocal garbage that is spewing from your throat, she won’t even know how to respond to it. The goal is to say something so off the wall, so out of this universe, that she has to literally stop and figure out what in the hell you’re actually talking about.

EXAMPLE:

Sarah is going through Joe’s cell phone and happens to stumble across nude photos of a woman she suspects Joe is secretly fornicating with.

Sarah: Joe, what the hell is this? I knew you were cheating on me, how could you?

Joe: Babe, it’s not what it looks like.

Sarah: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?  WHY ARE THESE PICTURES EVEN ON YOUR PHONE YOU BASTARD? YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR!

Joe: ALRIGHT, YEAH I CHEATED! SO WHAT? IF I HADN’T HAVE CHEATED THE TERRORIST WOULD HAVE WON, YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?!

Now lets stop. Sarah is probably asking herself the following the questions:

1. Is this guy crazy?

2. Who in the hell are the terrorist?

3. What is he even talking about?

In these seconds of mental confusion Joe needs to grab his keys and immediately leave the household. Staying one extra second will allow Sarah to regain composure and continue her verbal assault. While Joe is out on his escape route he should probably be thinking of a more believable lie (Preferably one that doesn’t mention terrorist), had he stayed in the argument and thought while on his feet, his first sentence would have immediately got him caught in a lie, at least now he has bought himself some valuable time.

Now this technique doesn’t necessarily only have to be used in infidelity issues, it can easily transfer over to regular simple petty arguments.

EXAMPLE:

Greg has an important job which causes him to work very long hours. These long hours often cause Greg to return home well after the sun has gone down, which causes Greg and Lisa not to be able to spend as much time together as they would like to. While Greg has never shown any signs of foul play, Lisa always questions his faithfulness out of anger in their arguments.

Lisa: You always come home so late and you never spend anytime with me.

Greg: I’m sorry, but you know have bills to pay, if you don’t work you don’t eat. I promise we’ll go out this weekend.

Lisa: You always say this weekend, how come we only go out once a week?

Greg: Please lets not do this now.

Lisa: Why don’t you get your hours changed? Are you seeing somebody else? WHY CAN’T YOU EVER COME HOME AT A REASONABLE TIME?

Greg: YOU KNOW WHY I NEVER COME HOME AT A REASONABLE TIME? BECAUSE ON THE WAY HOME I ALWAYS GET ROBBED BY DARTH VADER’S IMPERIAL ARMY! YOU EVER HAD TO DODGE A DAMN LIGHT SABER LISA?! HUH? HAVE YOU?

At this point, Lisa doesn’t really know what happened and judging by the fact  that many women hate star wars, I’m willing to bet that for at least the next ten minutes Mr. Greg can enjoy some silence as Lisa attempts to figure out a rebuttal.

So remember, the next time you’re in an argument, be spontaneous and say something stupid. While there is no guarantee that the following technique will work, it will at least make your argument entertaining, it might even buy you enough time to come up with a more feasible lie or comeback.  If you do happen to try this or have tried it, drop a comment and let me know how it turned out, as I’m sure the outcome was nothing short of interesting.

Disclaimer: Minilaptop does not encourage lies or infidelity, but I do encourage a creative mind.

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9 comments

  1. This might be the single most informative piece of information reguarding arguing with females i’ve ever heard


  2. lmao why when i come home u always got the microwave on high?


  3. I don’t know, when my guy thinks he’s right he just argues his point until I give up. He’s stubborn, but when I get into those rare female moments where I just start screaming he generally keeps quiet and let’s me win it. I must admit this would probably throw me off.


    • Your guy is smart, not much you can counter a female scream with, unless you go off on random tantrums of being captured by darth vader but that probably will only go so far.


  4. In Australia, men simply say “shut up bitch and get me another beer”…. it seems to work just fine!


    • I probably wouldn’t even be taken serious if I said this but I guess you gotta try everything at least once.


  5. You’re totally right, but you’re wrong because I’m right.


    • And thus I have lost this argument already.


  6. When I feel like I am about to lose an argument to a woman I like to make a snack. I then tell her, “I’m making mozzarella sticks! There are children starving in Beverly Hills!” Even if that doesn’t work, I can still console myself with some comfort food.



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