Archive for November, 2010

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Song of the day (11/22/10)

November 22, 2010

Nothing compares to the sound of a smooth saxophone.

 

 

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Terrorist, lying and light sabers

November 20, 2010

If you’ve ever argued with a member of the female species, then my Minilaptop statistics indicate that there is a 120% chance that you were unanimously defeated in the debate. After living under my mothers roof I’ve realized the two basic principles to remember when arguing with a woman.

1. If you’re right, you’re wrong.

2.If you’re wrong, you’re dead wrong and you probably shouldn’t even utter one single syllable.

Though these two basic principles apply in every male vs female confrontation I have come to my fellow men with a third option. Now this option won’t help you win the argument, in fact, it might not even work at all. But if you’re already arguing with a woman then you’ve already put yourself in a lose lose situation, so this can’t make things any worse, or maybe it well. (Shrugs shoulders)

If you ever find your back against the wall, trading verbal jabs with a female counterpart then your only chance of survival is to abandon all of your human logic and say the most extreme outrageous thing that your peanut sized brain can think of. Now I don’t mean outrageous as in offensive, I mean outrageous as in when she hears the amount of vocal garbage that is spewing from your throat, she won’t even know how to respond to it. The goal is to say something so off the wall, so out of this universe, that she has to literally stop and figure out what in the hell you’re actually talking about.

EXAMPLE:

Sarah is going through Joe’s cell phone and happens to stumble across nude photos of a woman she suspects Joe is secretly fornicating with.

Sarah: Joe, what the hell is this? I knew you were cheating on me, how could you?

Joe: Babe, it’s not what it looks like.

Sarah: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?  WHY ARE THESE PICTURES EVEN ON YOUR PHONE YOU BASTARD? YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR!

Joe: ALRIGHT, YEAH I CHEATED! SO WHAT? IF I HADN’T HAVE CHEATED THE TERRORIST WOULD HAVE WON, YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?!

Now lets stop. Sarah is probably asking herself the following the questions:

1. Is this guy crazy?

2. Who in the hell are the terrorist?

3. What is he even talking about?

In these seconds of mental confusion Joe needs to grab his keys and immediately leave the household. Staying one extra second will allow Sarah to regain composure and continue her verbal assault. While Joe is out on his escape route he should probably be thinking of a more believable lie (Preferably one that doesn’t mention terrorist), had he stayed in the argument and thought while on his feet, his first sentence would have immediately got him caught in a lie, at least now he has bought himself some valuable time.

Now this technique doesn’t necessarily only have to be used in infidelity issues, it can easily transfer over to regular simple petty arguments.

EXAMPLE:

Greg has an important job which causes him to work very long hours. These long hours often cause Greg to return home well after the sun has gone down, which causes Greg and Lisa not to be able to spend as much time together as they would like to. While Greg has never shown any signs of foul play, Lisa always questions his faithfulness out of anger in their arguments.

Lisa: You always come home so late and you never spend anytime with me.

Greg: I’m sorry, but you know have bills to pay, if you don’t work you don’t eat. I promise we’ll go out this weekend.

Lisa: You always say this weekend, how come we only go out once a week?

Greg: Please lets not do this now.

Lisa: Why don’t you get your hours changed? Are you seeing somebody else? WHY CAN’T YOU EVER COME HOME AT A REASONABLE TIME?

Greg: YOU KNOW WHY I NEVER COME HOME AT A REASONABLE TIME? BECAUSE ON THE WAY HOME I ALWAYS GET ROBBED BY DARTH VADER’S IMPERIAL ARMY! YOU EVER HAD TO DODGE A DAMN LIGHT SABER LISA?! HUH? HAVE YOU?

At this point, Lisa doesn’t really know what happened and judging by the fact  that many women hate star wars, I’m willing to bet that for at least the next ten minutes Mr. Greg can enjoy some silence as Lisa attempts to figure out a rebuttal.

So remember, the next time you’re in an argument, be spontaneous and say something stupid. While there is no guarantee that the following technique will work, it will at least make your argument entertaining, it might even buy you enough time to come up with a more feasible lie or comeback.  If you do happen to try this or have tried it, drop a comment and let me know how it turned out, as I’m sure the outcome was nothing short of interesting.

Disclaimer: Minilaptop does not encourage lies or infidelity, but I do encourage a creative mind.

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Nice guys, nerds and confusion

November 17, 2010

Last night turned out to be one of those nights where I had to force youtube to conquer my ongoing battle with boredom. Eventually my youtube searching led me to watch several videos about the never ending debate of why nice guys finish last. Now I won’t get into the nice guy debate, that’s another blog for another day and I just don’t have the energy to even give my input on that subject. But what I will touch on, is what I see as a massive flaw as to what several peoples definition of what a nice guy was.

We need to get this clear people, a nice guy and a pushover ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS, I repeat are NOT SYNONYMOUS. I don’t know who told you that these terms were the same thing but whoever gave you that information should be scissor kicked in the forehead.

Allow me to give you my Minilaptop definitions of these terms and examine them further.

1. Pushover- An individual who is severely lacking in the area known as the backbone. This person exhibits qualities of not being able to defend themselves in verbal confrontations and may even go as far as to switch their view on a certain subjects to align with the opposing party just to avoid the inevitable tension. They may also have a very difficult problem of expressing themselves due to the  fear of the potential backlash that they may receive.

2. Nice guy- A respectful member of the male species. Has the ability to pay attention while in conversation with a female instead of just hearing “blah blah blah.” He is also able to be supportive in situations when needed and can handle confrontations in a reasonable fashion. Usually this person has a mid to high level of intelligence and is a pretty reliable human being. Common traits of a nice guy can be but are not limited to: Respectful, trustworthy and caring. There is also a chance that this individual may be a tad bit shy.

Now, anyone with at least half of a cranium can see that clearly the terms pushover and nice guy should not be used interchangeably. Both terms describe two types of people who couldn’t be more different. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying  that a pushover can’t be a nice guy or vice versa but, generally speaking in my eyes the core characteristics of each term share more differences than similarities.

And while I’m on the subject of terms and their definitions I must ask the world, what exactly is a nerd?

I used to have the tape problem, it was very uncomfortable.

Merriam Webster defines the word nerd as the following:  “An unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits.”

As soon as I read this definition I mentally drew that evil squiggly red line that Microsoft word uses to let you know when you’ve spelled something wrong.  Let me break this definition down so you can see why my four eyes found every thing with this definition to be incorrect.

An unstylish- I don’t think being unstylish has anything to do with being a nerd, it just means you don’t necessarily have the best fashion taste in mind.

unattractive- No explanation needed, it just means you’re facially challenged and by this definition all unattractive people would be nerds which you and I both know is very false.

Socially inept person- A.K.A. you’re just plain awkward, but a nerd? I don’t know, I’m just not seeing it.

one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits- This is the only part of the definition that I can slightly agree with. But at the same time I don’t fault anybody for being extremely smart, hell if I had to pay $1(insert infinite number of zeros.)  a semester for college I would probably be devoted to academic pursuits also. I Don’t think my parents would be proud if they wasted all of their money putting  me through a higher level of learning  just so I could get a -5 in my chemistry class.

So, what do you think world? What are your definitions of the terms that I’ve discussed? Am I some where in the right field with my definitions or am I just crazy? Please leave comments, I’d really love to know what you all think.

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Song of the day (11/5/10)

November 5, 2010
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Couldn’t finish the victory lap

November 2, 2010

If you read my recent blog I outlined what my plans of world domination were. Well folks, sadly to say my plans have been nothing short of a failure so far. I achieved the victory of getting myself a vehicle but the victory was very short lived. After only three days of owning it the ancient hunk of metal decide that it just did not want to start this morning. I inserted the key into the ignition and got not one bit of response from the vehicle, no click, no thud, no anything. In a last ditch effort I got a friend to drive to my house with hopes of using his jump cables to jump start my vehicle. After repeated attempts his cords begin to smoke so that mission was abruptly aborted.

So for now the car just sits in a lonely parking spot in front the house and now I have to return to the life of a foot peddler until this car gets fixed. On a side note my job has given me so few hours that I might as well just be unemployed, so much for saving money for school, or getting a new laptop for that matter.  I’m hoping by the end of the week this car issue will get resolved and things will slowly start to re shape and get back on track.  Until then I’ll fake a smile everyday until things really start to get better.

And here’s a family guy clip just for reading this blog.