Archive for October, 2010

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Song of the day (10/29/10)

October 29, 2010

An epic song and music video in my opinion.

 

Bonus song of the day

I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!

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Plans of an evil genius

October 26, 2010

With my potential I feel at the ever so young age of 21 that I should have conquered the world by now. You see I’m very much like my Dallas Cowboys in a way. I have all of the tools needed to compete with the best of them, on paper my attributes give the impression that I’m the cream of the crop. But with somewhat of what could be described as lackluster disciplined habits and execution, I don’t always perform to the best of my abilities.

I believe that the main cause of my own downfall is not being goal oriented enough, somewhere between my teenage and adult years I’ve seemed to have  lost some of the drive and passion that I once possessed. That drive gave me the energy to write and create innovative concepts every day. That passion made me believe that one day I could actually rule the world and every single organism on and near the planet earth would know who Minilaptop was.

Now equipped with a new mindset, I’ve realized the four goals that I need complete before I’m able to obtain world domination.

1. Get a vehicle suitable for world conquering

After being undisputed king of the bus stop for years I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s difficult to rule the world while riding public transportation and depending on others for rides. Technically I have already completed this goal, as I have a car, but it has yet to be delivered to my house yet. Currently according to my pops, it is being inspected and if it just so happens to pass inspection, I”ll be able to be another one of Maryland’s horrible drivers who enjoys terrorizing the roads.

It's not about the looks, it's about the driver

That good ole Geo Prizm is my world domination car, yes I am well aware that this car is what we would call a bucket. But it will be my special bucket and together we will accomplish some beautiful things.

2. Get some abs

Ever since I was introduced to Raviolli and Ramen noodles (aka oodles and noodles) as a kid I’ve always kept some extra flab around the belly area. I figured if I’m going to be on top of the world then I might as well look good doing it. It’s not that I think I’m ugly, but my physique definitely has room for improvement. While I’ve made some significant strides in losing weight within the last few years it seems now I keep repeating this pattern of losing weight and then gaining it back again, due to some inconsistent workout practices.

After some long term planning I’ve given myself two options on how I’m going to obtain abs of steel:

1. Minilaptop’s school of Jiu Jitsu- As a life long fan of combat sports I’ve always admired the level of physical shape you have to be in to compete in such sports such as Boxing, Kick boxing and MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)

Jon Jones is a bad man

After Observing the underworld known as my basement, I know for a fact that if my mom can finally clean out the trillions of bags full of miscellaneous papers that lie on the floor taking up valuable space that I would have enough room to turn that waste haven into a home gym. Once I fill it with my desired workout equipment I shall call it Minilaptop’s School Of Jiu Jitsu.

Now in this gym you won’t really learn Jiu Jitsu, or any other fighting style for that matter. The gym will only serve as a way to get you into good enough physical shape so that you look as if you know some type of fighting style. It’s kind of like wearing superhero costume for Halloween. You’ll look like superman, but you won’t really be able to fly any where or do anything really special.

2. Get a gym membership: Financially this option would save me tons of money as Minilaptop’s School Of Jiu Jitsu would drain my wallet after buying all of the required equipment. I found a gym that has a wonderful cheap fee of ten dollars per month (All gyms should be like this). While it’s not the best gym in the world and probably wouldn’t be as fun as my Jiu Jitsu school, it still has all of the basic equipment needed to increase my cardio and get me going in the right direction.

3. Get a new laptop

Ever since I accidentally murdered my Minilaptop some months ago by spilling milk on it I’ve been forced to use this inferior dell home computer. My laptop was the main device where all of my evil genius ideas came to life. I would sit in the privacy of my room and write screenplays, poems and all types of other random concepts that popped inside my head. The screenplay was my main focus, right before I killed my laptop I wrote about 64 pages of greatness but now that creation just sits hopelessly inside my external hard drive collecting dust. Now I know you’re probably thinking that I should just write everything on my home computer, while in theory that sounds reasonable, once I actually try it, it just doesn’t work out. Writing in my own room and writing in my living room are two different ball games. While in my room I don’t have to dodge my two little brothers and their hot wheels cars while I attempt to hear myself think as I write.  So once black Friday sales start to kick in I plan on buying one of those HP beats laptops which have the perfect audio quality that will give me repeated eargasms as I write. Sadly,  if I get that laptop I won’t technically be Mr. Minilaptop anymore, but in honor of my Minilaptop I will never drop the moniker.

It's destiny, you shall be mine

4. Get back in school

Can’t establish or run a kingdom if you only have half of a brain right?

I got a seasonal job this summer (And they haven’t been giving good hours lately :() with the soul purpose of saving up enough funds so I can attend a recording institute starting in 2011. Aside from writing, my other passion is music and I have high hopes to sharpen my skills and hopefully become an audio engineer one day. So I’ll get to be the guy who makes all of the vocals sound sexy and add all of the extra effects needed so that every song you hear gives your ear some audio satisfaction. Later in the road of life  I also plan on releasing some instrumental CD’s, but for now I won’t get too ahead of myself, Can’t walk without crawling first.

So there you have it, once all of these goals comes to pass the world shall be mine. I recommend that you also write down your goals, as it will give you something to strive for every day. Just don’t let your ultimate goal be world domination, or you may have to cross paths with the almighty Minilaptop and that could be bad for you. *Insert evil genius laugh*

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Song of the day (10/19/10)

October 19, 2010

RIP to Eyedea who passed away the other day while in his sleep. He was a very talented MC known for his freestyle rap battles.

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Minilaptop’s alternate movie endings

October 18, 2010

We’ve all done it before. You’re sitting down with that family sized bag of cool ranch doritos while watching a movie of your choice, then you begin to think.

“Man if that was me that never would have happened, these movie people are so stupid.”

Well my friends I also participate in this activity, while I don’t necessarily label the characters in the movie as “stupid” (With the exception of people in horror movies), I can’t help but imagine that if I was in some of my favorite movies, the story lines and endings would probably have to be somewhat altered. So I’ve gone through the trouble of compiling a list of three movies that may have went a little different if I had been one of the main stars.

Disclaimer: It’s been awhile since I’ve seen any of the movies that I’ve listed, so forgive me if my summaries are a bit off.

1. The Matrix

"You think that's air you're breathing?"- Morpheous

Hollywood Version: Basically the main character Neo, is a computer programmer by day and computer hacker by night. He has many questions about the world that he lives in, but he doesn’t have many clues as to where to start to get his answers. Then out of the blue he is contacted by Trinity, who then introduces him to Morpheous, the man who brings Neo closer to the truth by exposing him to how his world is really controlled by cyber intelligence and is filled with those dreadful agents. In the end Neo realizes that he is “the one” and takes down all the agents and the for now the world is safe, blah blah blah the hero wins.

Minilaptop’s alternate version:  My knowledge of computers is pretty much non existent so there is no possible way that I could be a computer programmer, yet alone a hacker. So I imagine Trinity would probably have gotten in contact with me by sending me a friend request on facebook. Upon seeing that her and I have no mutual friends, I would at first have been skeptical, but based alone on that fact that she is a female I would have accepted her. Upon accepting her she would then post strange message on my wall about following that retarded white rabbit, which would probably cause many arguments because I’m not a huge fan of most things that have more than two legs. Eventually in some strange way I would realize that the white rabbit that I was to follow wouldn’t physically be an animal, but just a mere tattoo that looks like it came from a cereal box.

Later on I would be introduced to the man of the hour, Morpheous. This is the moment of truth, the moment when Morpheous offers me the red pill or the blue pill.

The red pill takes me deep into the depths of the matrix and the blue pill lets me go back to my regularly scheduled life. Under mental peer pressure and curiousness, I would swallow the red pill that almost resembles a jelly bean. But after being exposed to murderous agents, random shoot outs and a war that i’m not mentally prepared for, I would try frantically to explain to Morpheous that he should definitely hand over that blue pill and let me return to my normal world of facebook and family guy. During our conversation the infamous Agent Smith would probably appear and on this note the film would be near its closing. Agent Smith would probably dish out the most epic beat down that I’ve ever received in my 21 years of living and after a wave of deadly punches and kicks I would be forced to wave the white flag in defeat. After my death the agents would eventually rule the world and I would be remembered as the guy who miserably failed in the war against the agents. So much for the hero ending, life can’t always be sweet.

2. Child’s Play

Hollywood Version: So this psycho killer dude who probably didn’t get enough hugs as a child ends up getting shot in a toy warehouse of all places. Right before he officially kicks the bucket he recites some evil chant that reincarnates his soul and he ends up possessing one of the toys in the warehouse. This toy is a doll who is known as Chucky. Later on, a mother ironically purchases this doll for her son as a birthday present and as you can imagine, killer doll+innocent child=lots of crazy things happening. Chucky’s ultimate goal is to transfer his soul back into a human and that human just happens to be the little child named Andy.

Minilaptop’s alternate version: Now even though young Andy did ask for the doll for his birthday, I for one would be highly offended if my mom bought me a doll instead of a new G.I. Joe action figure when I was a toddler, so Chucky would most likely find himself buried at the bottom of my toy box. Upon exiting my toy box I can imagine Chucky would be a little pissed at me for not at least having the courtesy to place him at the top of the pile. I then would have to inform him that he is not as nearly as important as my Hot wheels cars, my super hero action figures or my Ronin Warriors collection and I would hope that he wouldn’t take it personal.

As I can imagine I would start to grow suspicious of Chucky, as ever since he arrived, numerous people have been attacked and/or killed. Our friendship would probably quickly sour because if my mom finds out i’m out doing evil deeds with a killer doll she surely won’t let me wake up early Saturday morning to watch my favorite cartoons anymore (Doug, Rugrats, Beast Wars) and that is unacceptable. No longer trusting me, Chucky would probably make some attempts to take my life and this is where I show Chucky that he’s not the only evil little thing that can terrorize people. As a kid I had quite the temper, so killer doll or not, Chucky would have to prepare for war, a war that would be nearly impossible for him to win. Chucky may have the soul of satan, but he is no superman. He can’t fly, he doesn’t have super strength or speed, he’s barely two feet doll and lets not forget that he is a DOLL! You know what my plastic sword and shield could do to a DOLL? It would be absolute slaughter. So Chucky has the sharpest knife in the kitchen, and? At age 5 I studied Link from Zelda endlessly, I know every sword move that ever existed. Chucky and I would engage in a five round blade fighting/plastic sword contest that ends with Chucky being nearly crippled after repeated hits to the limbs and forehead.  As the credits roll we’ll see Chucky walking off into the darkness, defeated and looking for another family to terrorize. As for me, I’ll be having a nice conversation with my mom about why she shouldn’t buy me anymore dolls for my birthday.

3. Final Destination

Hollywood version: Student Alex Browning and his classmates are bound for a trip to Paris. Just minutes before the plane is set to take off Alex has a vivid premonition of the plane exploding. Very much frightened, Alex begins to panic and causes quite a scene which ends up getting Alex, along with several of his classmates kicked off of the plane. Upon returning to the airport terminal, Alex and his classmates watch as flight 180 explodes into the sky.

THE SHOCKING FOOTAGE

But this isn’t the end of the commotion, after the explosion Alex’s friends mysteriously start to die one by one and they must find a way to cheat death in order to survive.

Minilaptop’s alternate version: So i’m sitting on a plane and all of a sudden I have vision of my plane going up in hellfire. Like Alex, I instantly flee from that plane, probably running with Usain Bolt like speed back to the parking lot with hopes that my friends would follow behind. After witnessing the plane explode I would return home and probably stay in solitary confinement for a few hours and shortly after wards I would receive the first phone call of one of my friends mysterious deaths.

Knowing the group of misfits that I associate with, I can imagine our deaths wouldn’t be as bloody as much as they would be creative. One of us would probably die from electric shock, after spilling a soda bottle all over studio recording equipment. A trip to the food court in the mall would turn deadly as one of us would abruptly choke on a chicken tender and roll over to an unsuspected death. After two deaths I would officially label my friends as jinx’s and slowly but surely I’d ease away from hanging around them. One of the themes of this movie is trying to cheat death but me being the logical person that I am, So I would come to the inevitable conclusion that this can’t be done. You can cheat on your spouse, you can cheat on your taxes, you can cheat in video games, but as far as death, when it’s your time to go you might as well get ready to fly with the angels. I would be trapped in quite a paranoid lifestyle as my friends drop off one by one. As the end draws near I would be the last surviving person who would probably die in a way I wasn’t prepared for. While I would be on the look out for all sharp objects and things that could possibly fall on top of my head, my death would come at one of my favorite things in the world, cereal.

It gets no better

Upon anxiously opening a box of cinnamon toast crunch I would rip open the bag a bit too hard, sending flying pieces of cinnamon squares everywhere. A large cluster of cinnamon squares would probably awkwardly land in the food disposable at the bottom of the sink. The next time I go to turn on the disposal it would begin to malfunction and as I reach to cut it off, a left over piece of silverware that I accidentally left in the disposal would do a full flip into the air and stab me right in the middle of my forehead. The piercing pain would send me falling back, crashing into the kitchen table, knocking the box of cereal to the kitchen floor. There I would lay dead, Surrounded by blood and a pattern of Cinnamon toast crunch that ironically outlines my body.

After making this list I’ll make sure the last thing I become is an actor, I seem to picture myself dying a little too much. Feel free to add your own alternate endings to any movies that you feel would be different if you starred in them.

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Song of the day (10/14/10)

October 14, 2010

I’m awesome

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Snap shot

October 11, 2010

Have you ever taken any nude or questionable photographs of yourself? Have you ever starred and/or directed in any mischievous videos that your old folks would be ashamed to see? More importantly, have you sent these precious little moments of your life out to your friends? If you have answered yes to any of these questions then please do me the favor of not telling me because honestly I would feel uncomfortable with your random nude visuals sketched inside my cranium. (Unless you’re female, then we may negotiate.)

I asked these questions because according to my Minilaptop statistics a rather large percentage of people have at one point in their life taken some picture that involves a mirror, some type of sexy pose and the free roaming of the genital area. But what some of these free balling people fail to realize is that these pictures/videos are never private and by the time you’ve sent them to that one special person, 1001 other members of the human race have also seen your goods.

That little cell phone camera is the biggest snitch in the world and he will run his mouth for an eternity until the evidence is destroyed. Take brett Favre for example.

 

At 1000 years of age he's still throwing footballs.

 

Mr. Favre of the Minnesota Vikings has currently landed in some hot water lately for reportedly sending some very inappropriate messages and photos to a former New York Jets employee. (Brett favre is almost 100 years old, why is he sending crotch shots?) I have no idea what was going through Mr. Favre’s head when he participated in these shenanigans. Did he not realize that he is the face of a football franchise and that if those messages leaked (Which they did) that the tabloids would explode?

My only explanation is that like many of us, Favre thought that these supposedly private pictures would never reach the masses. Somehow he forgot that we live in the digital age, where pictures, video and other types of media are endlessly shared and exchanged throughout the world.

As soon as that picture was sent he put his right to privacy at a major risk. Now it may not be fair that the woman he chose to share these pictures with decided to go public with what probably should have remained a private matter. But the truth is as soon as one person gets a hold of those pictures, there is no telling how many others will get there dirty hands on it and duplicate it as well as post it on any website of their choosing.

So, just remember, you need to make sure that your “special” pictures remain out of sight. For if you cannot keep them under wraps, you just might ending up being the advertisement for your favorite porn site.

Side note: For those of you who send nudes, please be aware of the miscellaneous items that you leave in the background of your photos. I won’t expand on this, just use your imagination.

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Song of the day (10/10/10)

October 10, 2010